Monday, December 6, 2021
How To Clean Your Iron Throne

So, you fancy yourself to overcome all challengers and be the one to win the Game of Thrones? Well, good news! We can help to ensure that it’s nice and clean for the duration of your reign.

First off, stay away from fallout removers that have recently become popular on the market. Magma and Wheel Cleaning Mousse could be tempting to use, as the sight of the Iron Throne dripping with red, blood-like liquid would be something to behold. If used on an unlacquered iron surface like this though, these products would actually begin to break down the throne itself, which could make you rather unpopular in King’s Landing and put you at risk of a beheading/flaying.

Secondly, ensure that the Iron Throne’s surface is cool to the touch before applying a snow foam pre-wash, like Polar Blast. If the Throne is still hot after Drogon, or one of the other lads, has burnt the predecessor off of it, your product could dry on, making it more difficult to remove. Cover in foam and get your squire to bring you some wine, while you allow the product to loosen & lift larger particles of dirt from the surface, as well as softening that deeper engrained dirt underneath. Rinse.

Now to get rid of all those nasty niffs that good old King Robert must have left in there *dry heave*! Grab yourself a bucket of rinse water, to rid your wash mitt of dirt as you go, cover the Throne in Polar Wash and a few light glides over the surface should be enough agitation to completely clear any remaining dirt.


The Iron Throne is now clean. Congratulations! …You can still feel Joffrey’s annoying smug little smirk and hatred, deep rooted into it though, can’t you? Fear not. This is the stage where Metal Polish becomes your best friend. This stuff is formulated to tackle heavily tarnished metals. Metal Polish restores surfaces to their original finish and protects them with a layer of wax, bringing it back to those peaceful Targaryen times, before the Mad King went …well, mad!

Your Iron Throne is now looking what the Northern Folk would call ‘peng’. Oh, no wait, that’s the youth of today! Anyway, it’s looking spectacular. Think Daenerys sailing for Westeros, about to go and eff some ess up!! So, you’re going to want to keep it looking this way, right? After all, Winter Is Coming!


No problem, team. Grab that medieval pressure washer out again and give the throne a quick splash of Polar Seal. This stuff is fast acting, so if the Night King and his Army of the Dead are kicking off, you’ll still have time to immediately rinse off and be sitting there waiting for them in your best “Come At Me Bro” pose. Don’t forget to make sure you have your Dragon Glass crossbow at the ready, though, because to be fair they are a bit of an unruly bunch.


Okay, time to get comfy in your shiny Iron Throne, you’re ready for the final season of Game of Thrones. Enjoy!

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